Monday, 29 November 2010

Sad fantasy (circa 2005)

I stroke and slide my fingers along its length... it weeps.

Stooping forward, my lips part, almosting touch it's head... I softly envelope it with my warm breath. No restraint, it comes... softly at first...

The microphone transports my voice through the PA system, prompting the throng to chant my name as I manipulate the strings of my Fender Stratocaster. It hangs low across my thighs as I caress it with peerless virtuosity. It wails and whines and I croon to the crowd.

I love my rock and roll fantasy. A modern meditation. For a while it soothes me, in the same way as sitting meditation. It's om with oomph!

Now the summer is a faded memory and again I face the long wait to Christmas. My mood is changing. Last year was particularly bleak. Across the festive break and beyond, the sky was dark and low, hemming me in. Spiritually, I was diminished, to the point my doctor prescribed anti-depressants. I perservered, for less than a week (I'm known for my commitment and tenacity) before throwing them, 'my little friends', into the bin. Fuck them, I thought. They're only dealing with the symptoms. I preferred to take my chances and go for the ride.

The situation improved...

And so it comes around again. The passing of summer, and the onset of the long, long winter herald the onset of my 'blues'. But SAD (the alleged seasonal affective disorder), is not the whole story.

Autumn sees the end of the caravan Holiday Park season. At the back end of October, utilities are switched off and the caravan interiors littered with bowls of salt, strategically placed to absorb excess moisture. The television and hi-fi are wrapped in bubble-wrap and blankets, protecting them from winter's extremes; mattresses and removable cushions are precariously arranged, stood on end, or propped against convenient furniture, to allow maixum airing. The once warm and inviting interior takes on a cold, inhospitable air. And the steady dribble of occupants away from the park, leaves the site with few signs of life, as it takes on a sad and melancholy air. But Saddest of all is its personal significance - gone are the occasional weekends when Janet visits the caravan, leaving myself, and the animals, home, alone.

Solitude is my life's blood. I need the occasional fix to shake free from togetherness's cosy but constricting bonds. I need to experience, for awhile, myself. Lest I forget.

Roll on Spring.

Till then, to help me through, I'll look to my Ipod. Let's see, Bowie I think. The Jean Genie. The crowd are going wild...


Michelle said...

Hey, I'd like to see that... *dreams a bit* I'm sure you're an excellent musician, in them your fantasies.. you're so talented and stuff :)

Speaking of seasons, it's decided to be full on winter here today... so lucky us eh :Z

Anonymous said...

Wow, that fantasy rocks! I've not had one of those. I have one that starts similarly but then...erm...

Anyway, seriously, you need those stick-in-ear lights!

In these latitudes we are not far from the Polar Nights now. That's when the sun doesn't come above the horizon at all. Where I am it last for 5 days only. It's not pitch black though, since the sunlight still shows a little although the sun doesn't rise. Instead, if the weather is good, you can see the most amazing pinks and purples of the sunrise and they lasts for couple of hours, followed then by the pinks and purples of the sunset, which again lasts for hours. It's magnificent. And if that's not enough, and you are lucky enough, there might be the Northern Lights to admire later on, or at least the brightest night sky I've ever seen in my life. So it's not all bad. Oh, and we get the Moon circling too. It doesn't set for days, it just circles all day and all night. It's totally cool, like being on a different planet. Can you guess which one? :)

Anonymous said...

Sorry if my comments are short as of late. I'm taking a bit of a break from computer activities except, of course, when I read such a fabulous post.
Oh how I wish I could sing!
I relate to your SAD in many ways. Antidepressants are overrated, don't you think? Being sad, sometimes, is a necessity. Spring never looked so good.
BTW- loved your last comment on my blog, laughed, loved it.

Maundering mutterer said...

You were made to rock and roll. Just look at that hat and beard!

Ronald said...

Michelle I'm excellent at everything I undertake... in my fantasies! :-) Winter has arrived with a vengeance here too.

Sari Please, let the blogosphere know of your particular fantasy. I look forward to your next post :-) As for the Arctic circle, it must be awesome out there on the tundra, with all the ice, lights, igloos, polar bears and kangaroos! ;-)

PAMO Don't apologise for brief comments [thinks: one more curt comment and she's for my black book] there was a time when blogging and it's maintenance became all too much for me. I'm so glad I could make you laugh.

MM Yeah, I must be a rock n roller, I got all the gear aint I eh? :-)